The Question of Trust in Relationships
The word ‘trust’ means different things in different contexts, i.e., the public trust (responsibility and accountability to society), trust in God (internal confidence or faith) and trust in the future (a hope that things will be better).
When it comes to relationships, ‘trust’ becomes more clouded. Consider a parent who says about her teenage son, “I just can’t trust him to come home on time.” Lectures, comparisons to siblings, restrictions or consequences usually follow - “until he can show me he is trustworthy.” While we can empathize with this parent’s desire to have her son be more responsible, the way she is going about it may be inviting the exact opposite.
When used in relationships, “I can’t trust you” becomes a hidden attempt to maintain superiority over another. How can this be? While expecting a child to cooperate and respect order in the home is appropriate, the notion of ‘trust’ introduces into the equation judgment by one person over another as being ‘morally deficient,’ i.e., ‘untrustworthy.’ The person senses being relegated to a one-down position by the judgment. What is occurring is the classic “double bind.” The youth knows he is not cooperating, yet to obey the parent’s request would mean agreeing to be placed in the inferior position and accept being judged, a high cost to one’s dignity. Both youth and parent feel discouraged by the situation.
An alternative approach is to first recognize that we cannot control another person’s actions. Saying “I can’t trust you” places all responsibility for problem solving and change solely on the other person. In a power contest or revenge cycle, typical dynamics in these situations, the least helpful strategy is focusing on what the other person should do, because they are more intent on protecting their dignity than hearing your points or collaborating.
Avoiding the word trust altogether leaves both parties free to consider what the real issues are and more respectfully and courageously take steps to resolve them. In this example, focusing on solutions together with her son empowers both parent and teen to take responsibility for what each can do, and it invites the youth to feel more encouraged by being given responsibility in a respectful way. The process is the same in all relationships in the home, school and workplace.
Challenge: To focus on solutions, use these steps:
Have a friendly discussion about what is happening regarding the problem. Each shares his or her feelings around the issue.
Brainstorm possible solutions that are related, reasonable, respectful and helpful. Choose a mutually agreeable solution.
Be specific (e.g., to the minute).
Follow through with your part of the agreement. Hold the other person accountable with kindness and firmness.
